Groggy. And Frustrated.

Another morning of feeling thick and groggy. This morning, though, I'm frustrated by the time I finally was able to wake-up. I'm frustrated by feeling like I'm living in a fog. I'm frustrated that I'm so tired, it's hard to lift my arms. I'm so frustrated that the muscles in my face are twitching. That just feeds the frustration.

Last night was another night of lots of dreams. Bizzare dreams. In fact, this morning when I normally would (and should) wake-up, I was in the middle of a dream cycle. I'd close my eyes for just a few seconds and I'd be asleep and dreaming. Some of the dreams I had would start out by me asking myself a question and then me answering the question, except I didn't really answer it, I responded by talking about something else entirely.

It was a morning, too, when my spouse would wake me up frequently by moving around or hugging or touching me. On a groggy morning when I'm in a dream cycle, it makes for a very hard morning. That is definitely where I am now.

I took my Mirapex much too late, after 11:00pm after watching a recorded program on the TV. I was very tired by the time I made it to bed. I can't seem to remember to take the Mirapex earlier. The directions suggest 2-3 hours before bedtime; my sleep doctor's instructions are to take at bedtime, but that seems to have too much of an impact on my mornings.

It's about a week until I see the sleep doctor again. I hope, hope, hope that he says I can stop taking Mirapex. It's making me more tired, at least in the mornings, and I don't see any positive effects during the rest of the day. I am ready to be disappointed, too. It's been so long. It's hard to believe that this might actually end some day.

A Pretty Normal Day

Yep, I'm tired. I've had only two cups of coffee today, but I've stayed awake the whole day. I've not been good for very much today, though. My concentration is nil, my comprehension a joke. I couldn't even figure out how to fold the surprise toy in the Cracker Jacks! I had to stop and think how to take the baking sheet of fish sticks out of the oven. But, I stayed awake.

After a late evening at a concert last night, and taking my Mirapex late, this morning was a grog-fest. I've gotten so very little done. It seems everywhere I look I see stuff that needs to be done, but I either haven't the physical energy, or the mental energy, to do them. Based on past experience, there will come a day when I have both. I hope that day will come very soon.

Recovery from A Busy Week?

That's what I'm chalking it up to. And hoping. After a cup of coffee and two Vaults, I was in Slow Walk Mode. It's better than Shuffle Mode. I listened to the sermon on the radio in the car. At least, I listened to part of it before I fell asleep. I've really enjoyed/learned/benefited a lot from the pastor's current series on Romans. I very much wanted to hear today's message.

On the way home, I drank another Vault. Once home, I went directly upstairs and napped for two hours. I'm still tired, but I need to be awake some of today. Hopefully I can catch-up on some sleep and get back on track this next week.

I'm to the place where I very much want to figure out how to get rid of this sleepiness. I don't know that I've really been here before. I've been to this point of constant tiredness/sleepiness before, but I didn't think anything could be done so I just plodded along. I've had enough of missing so much of life. Of course, there's always the possibility that there's not a lot that can be done, but given past experience with stimulants I think there probably is an answer, even if it's drugging myself awake. In truth, that's what I've been doing so far with caffeine. It's just that caffeine has become ineffective and now I probably need something stronger. It strikes me that perhaps if I went off caffeine for a while, to let my system reset, caffeine might become more effective again. I'd even be willing to try that if I could find a way to plod through a few days without being sentient.

One more thing I probably should record is the weird jumping/twitching/jerking/whatever I found myself doing toward the end of my nap after church. It wasn't an RLS thing, it was more a jerking like happens when I suddenly awaken with the sensation of falling, except minus the sensation.

Night-time Waking

Several nights ago, I noticed that I'm waking up much more in the middle of the night. I seem to see nearly every hour, sometimes more than once. Because of all the activity around the house in the past week, I can't tell if I'm more tired than normal or more tired than before I started the Mirapex, but it doesn't seem like it.

When I wake-up in the middle of the night, I feel completely awake and not in the slightest bit drowsy. It's not like restlessness; I don't feel like I'm tossing and turning. I can't remember any dreams that brought on the wakening, or any other reason why I might have awoken. Usually, I look at the clock, often try to remember when the last time that I looked at it was, perhaps calculate how long it's been and then lie back down. I seem to go back to sleep fairly easily, although not necessarily immediately. I don't remember whether this is something I commonly experienced before the Mirapex, but it seems like there were times I did, though not always. Having the memory of a mentally challenged gnat is annoying.

This past week, I used a lot of caffeine, drinking multiple cups of coffee and approximately six cans of Vault every day. I still needed at least one daily nap. I'm looking forward to a standard week to measure against.

Days Off Are Nice

No kidding, eh?

There's something extra wonderful about knowing that I have a day when I can allow myself to be tired. Of course, I have things I want to get done, but on days off I'm granted the choice of whether to get those things done or to rest. It's a precious gift I can give myself: permission to be tired.

That's not to say there's not guilt involved or fear that I'm being lazy. I'm working on that. It's hard to ignore the desire to work on a project or get a few things done, especially when everyone around me seems to do it so easily. Perhaps someday I'll shake this tiredness thing. On a day like today I'd celebrate by doing some gardening.

I Hate Mornings

I don't want this to turn into a rant because this is a real problem for me. Because I'm so tired in the morning, I've begun to delay going to bed at night. Once I give in to sleep at night, the next thing I know, besides middle of the night bathroom trips, it'll be morning and I'll feel awful.

Feeling awful is bad enough, but it's compounded by months and years of it being the norm. I'm to the point of not being willing to fight it anymore. Fighting it hasn't seemed to have helped at all. I'm ready to give in and just sleep more.

Yet guilty plays into the equation, too. I have such a difficult time getting normal life tasks done as it is. The thought of getting even less done brings back feelings of laziness.

Paying for A Busy Day

Tired doesn't begin to describe it today. I'm exhausted. My brain is fuzzy and it feels like there's a layer of something between me and the world I have to fight through to move or think or comprehend. My spouse and I had talked about me perhaps taking a day off while family is here. I think today needs to be that day.

I slept well last night. Being dead tired certainly helped. I was positively silly last night at dinner. This morning, though, I was beat even at 8 o'clock. The next time I woke up just after 10 o'clock, there were lines all over me from lying in one place for so long. I've only been awake for three hours, but I'm so tired it's hard to stay awake.

There may be no choice. This may have to be my day off.

Missing my words

The adrenaline has obviously worn off from having family all around. I repeatedly have to stop mid sentence to search for words. It's not odd or difficult words, it's things like my children's or pets' names, or the kind of vehicle I drive. I hope it's not too annoying to people to have to wait while I pause to find my words. I feel like the slow talking people in the SNL skits.

I nearly forgot I had water running in the sink several times today. At least I didn't leave the kitchen area per se, so I found the water running before much time had passed. I know that because the sink wasn't overflowing, or even close to being full.

This morning after breakfast, I cleaned up the kitchen, started the Roomba going to sweep the grit and dirt off the kitchen/dining area floor and prepared to set-up the Scooba. Before I was able to finish all of it, I was just too tired to continue. So, my floor still needs mopping. And, now it's gritty again. I did have a nice one hour nap, though.

Napping Still

Thankfully night-time restlessness is not as much of a problem, though it hasn't gone away entirely. It hasn't translated into fewer daytime naps, though. If anything I'm more tired. Yesterday after an hour and a half nap in the early afternoon, I only made it until 8pm that night. This was with three cups of coffee and 10 cans of Vault. I have no idea how I can sleep with all that caffeine in my system.

I'm looking forward to my next appointment with the sleep doctor. Which reminds me, I need to call for an appointment shortly before he's booked for the next few weeks.

A Definite Pattern

What a morning! Feeling so thick and slow feels baaaad. I have so many things I want -- not need, or should, or have but want -- to do. My limbs feel so heavy and take great effort to move. This is usually how I feel when I need to sleep.

Short time of normal sleep, leading to hours of restless sleep, followed by feeling thick, slow and groggy -- this is a pattern. It's a lot like the pattern when I take night-time cold medicine or, rather, when I did prior to taking allergy medicines.

Now is the hard part. Does this reach a threshold to necessitate a call to the doctor? I'll have to think on that.

Today, especially when anticipating the arrival of family, I can push past it. I am a bit concerned about the after effects. With all the activity and anticipation, I may crash tonight/tomorrow. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Groggy, Thick

Another restless night with the Mirapex and decongestant. It may have been influenced by my spouse being restless, too. Regardless, I literally couldn't stay awake until nearly 9am. It's now just after 10:30am and I'm fighting sleep. Hopefully a cup or two of coffee or a few Vaults will help.

This is not an improvement. It's not necessarily worse, either. Prior to starting the Mirapex I had days like this, too. That doesn't make it any less aggravating, though.

Unexpected Restlessness

Sunday was the last night on the 0.25 mg in the starter pack. I experienced incredible restlessness that night. It seemed like I was waking up every few minutes and my legs felt restless -- something that usually only happens a handful of times a year. It certainly didn't help me feel less sleepy during the day, either.

When I called the sleep doctor's nurse, however, she said it sounded like we needed to up the dosage. The doctor agreed and now I'm on 0.5 mg. Ugh. It's been two nights on the upped dosage and I've been restless every night since. I'm hoping that's because one night was a long night grocery shopping and I drank two Diet Cokes to get through it, and the other night I restarted taking my decongestant at night and often the first night my sleep is not as good, likely due to the stimulant in it. So, tonight is the real test. Of course, I sit here at a coffee shop glancing at my cuppa decaf.

I very much don't want to continue on Mirapex, but I'm taking the attitude that the doctor knows what he's doing. He didn't think the Mirapex would help either, but perhaps he needs to exhaust the possibilities before he can try something he thinks might actually work. Then again, I certainly don't want to discount that Mirapex might actually solve the problem. It hasn't thus far, but there must be a reason the doctor gave me a 30 day prescription.

Another Groggy Morning

It was more like A Super Groggy Morning. I got up and started to get ready for church when I realized that I just wasn't with-it enough to make it to church. It was one of those mornings where the mere act of trying to figure out what piece of clothing goes on next is a huge challenge. Driving is just not a good idea.

It's the last night for the Mirapex. I MUST remember to call the sleep doctor tomorrow. I hate waiting until the last minute. When the choice is waiting until the last minute or using a telephone, the waiting usually wins.

I don't remember what the sleep doctor said was the next step, but it might be another sleep study followed by an MSLT. If so, I would rather do it sooner than later but we have family coming to stay with us next week. I feel weird about scheduling a sleep study while they're here. At the same time, I very much want to keep the process going. If there's a solution I want to find it sooner rather than later. Forty-three years is more than enough of being sleepy.

Just Wow

I can't remember whether it was 5 or 6 times last night that I was awakened needing to take care of sick children. We only have two, but one has an ear ache and the other is having problems as well. I felt entirely hazy and slow as I tried to deal with the middle of the night challenges. I'm not sure whether it was just being that tired or the Mirapex. Considering that I'm usually pretty lucid under those circumstances, I'm guessing it's the Mirapex.

Today was...useless as far as days goes. My leg, arm and back muscles are sore and it takes great energy to move them (thankfully typing is automatic enough that it doesn't require any thought). Walking up stairs was a major event. I couldn't think, either. I watched a recording of last night's Red Wing's playoff game, but I couldn't think fast enough to follow the puck or figure out what was going on. As always, I'm liable to second guess whether I'm really as tired as I think, but when I can't follow hockey I know there's a definite problem.

I forgot to call the sleep doctor. I remembered in the middle of making pudding for my sick child, but promptly forgot once I was finished. I ran dish water. While waiting for the sink to fill, I adjusted window shades and untied knots in their strings. I picked-up a few other things. I forgot that I had water running. I returned to the kitchen just in time to shut the water off before it overflowed the sink. Then I remembered to call the sleep doctor. Nature called and, predictably, I forgot again about calling the doctor. I even had my electronic organizer going off reminding me, but I never seemed to remember long enough to get to the phone! This is maddening. So now it's Monday before I can call.

We have family coming to visit in a little over a week. I need to get stuff ready: guest rooms prepared, beds moved, food bought, towels and sheets ready, etc. It'd be nice, too, to run the carpet cleaner on the family room carpet. Recent wet weather, kids and a dog have taken their toll. Caffeine will definitely be necessary this next week.

Mirapex Day 7

It should be Day 8, but a night full of news of cloud rotation meant that sleep wasn't in the works for my night. I hope that doesn't cause a dosage problem.

I can't tell if it's doing anything regarding my legs twitching, but it certainly isn't helping my excessive daytime sleepiness (EDS). In fact, I have *more* trouble waking up in the morning. My spouse had the same troubles, so I've started taking it earlier in the evening. The directions say to take it 2-3 hours (iirc) before bedtime, but the doctor suggested 30 minutes to an hour before. Tonight it's about 1.5 hours early. Hopefully it'll help a bit.

I also started taking my decongestant mid-day rather than at bedtime. My sleep was much more restless, so I tried taking it in the morning. I didn't really see any benefit with it during the day. I'm torn whether to start taking it at bedtime again or to just stop it temporarily while trying the Mirapex. The reason I take it at bedtime is because if I don't, I am much, much sleepier in the morning. It may be counter-intuitive to take a stimulant before bedtime, but as odd as it is, it helps.

I should call the sleep doctor tomorrow regarding the Mirapex. I'm not sure what to tell him other than I'm still very sleepy during the day, and there doesn't appear to be any benefit to it. There's that nagging little voice in my head, though, saying that he won't believe me/I'm not seeing something that I should/I'm just trying to get attention.

I'm looking forward to waking up and finding that this is all just a bad dream.

Still Tired

I assumed everyone was always tired. It was just that other people where better at pushing past it. They worked harder. They were stronger. Obviously I was lazy. If I would only get up and get going, I would feel better. But, it never seemed to really work. Sure for a short period of time I'd wouldn't feel so tired. As long as I kept moving, it was easier to ignore the tiredness. Once I stopped, even for a short break, the tiredness was still there and it usually took great effort to get up and keep going.

It was that way since I was a kid. I finally found a doctor who not only listens to me and believes me, but he also had information from a sleep study that backs it up. Just knowing that someone believes me is such a high. There's actually a possibility I'm not the lazy slug I've always believed myself to be. I don't have words to describe how exciting it is.

I saw a sleep doctor previously when I started having problems keeping my eyes open while driving. According to that sleep doctor, I had sleep apnea. Never mind that the apneas mostly happened when I was awake and trying to relax. Never mind that I don't snore or that in 20 years my spouse has never noticed anything resembling apnea. Never mind that the doctor wouldn't listen to any of this. Oddly enough, this last sleep study showed zero episodes of apnea -- something I'm told is quite unusual. My current sleep doctor was shocked to hear that I was recommended for CPAP.

The current diagnosis is either idiopathic hypersomnia or narcolepsy. I'm told the latter would be easier when it comes to insurance covering prescriptions, but we'll need further tests and indicators. Either way, it may come down to me taking amphetamines. Ironically, this is precisely what I did when the only help offered me was CPAP. I don't look forward to going back there, but right now I have problems staying awake even with drinking several cups of coffee and a six pack of Vault soda each day. Vault is supposed to have twice the caffeine of a cup of coffee or the same amount of Mountain Dew. Even with that I need at least one hour-long nap a day, and by 9pm I'm ready to turn-in.

Someday I hope not to be.....Still Tired.